Try Softer (Aundi Kolber)


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#anxietyrelief #nervoussystemregulation #traumainformedhealing #selfcompassion #boundariesandattachment #TrySofter


These are takeaways from this book.


Firstly, Reframing Struggle Through the Lens of the Nervous System, A core theme in Try Softer is that many common struggles are not moral failures or lack of willpower, but understandable nervous system responses to stress, loss, or earlier experiences. Kolber emphasizes how people can drift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn patterns and then interpret those patterns as personal weakness. By shifting the frame from judgment to curiosity, readers can begin to see anxiety, numbness, irritability, and overachievement as signals of a system trying to stay safe. This perspective can reduce shame and open the door to change that is sustainable rather than performative. The book highlights that healing often requires working with the body, not just the mind, because survival mode can live in physiology, habits, and relational reflexes. Instead of asking, What is wrong with me, the softer question becomes, What happened to me and what do I need now. This reframe also supports more realistic expectations: growth is often non linear, triggered by stressors, and strengthened through practices that restore regulation. The result is a more compassionate understanding of why traditional advice to simply calm down or be positive can feel impossible when the body believes danger is near.


Secondly, Why Trying Harder Can Backfire and What to Do Instead, Kolber challenges the cultural and religious narratives that equate growth with pushing, hustling, and self denial. For many readers, the instinct to try harder is deeply ingrained, especially when life feels unstable. Yet the book argues that relentless striving can keep the nervous system activated, reinforcing anxiety and reinforcing the belief that rest and gentleness must be earned. Try Softer proposes that real change often begins when people stop waging war on their symptoms and start building internal safety. This includes recognizing the difference between helpful effort and survival driven effort that is fueled by fear, perfectionism, or the need to please. The softer alternative is not passivity. It is a strategic shift toward self compassion, consent with one’s limits, and practices that increase capacity over time. Readers are encouraged to notice their inner critic, the pressure to perform wellness, and the tendency to spiritualize endurance while neglecting pain. By choosing small, kind steps, like grounding, pacing, and honoring emotions, they create conditions where learning and connection are possible. This approach can be especially freeing for those who have been praised for being strong while quietly feeling depleted, because it legitimizes care as a foundation rather than a reward.


Thirdly, Attachment, Boundaries, and the Need for Safe Connection, A significant focus of the book is how healing is relational. Kolber draws attention to attachment patterns and how early experiences can shape adult expectations of closeness, conflict, and belonging. When connection has felt unsafe, inconsistent, or conditional, people may adapt by becoming hyper independent, overly accommodating, or constantly scanning for rejection. These adaptations can look like personality, but the book frames them as protection strategies that once made sense. Moving toward joy and stability often involves learning what secure connection feels like and building relationships that support it. Boundaries are presented not as walls but as clarity about what is healthy, sustainable, and mutually respectful. This includes learning to say no without collapse, to tolerate disappointment without panic, and to stay present during relational stress rather than defaulting to withdrawal or appeasement. The book also underscores that empathy without boundaries can become self abandonment, and that healthy spirituality does not require enduring harm. By connecting emotional awareness with practical relational tools, Kolber helps readers see that nervous system regulation and relationship patterns interact: safer relationships support calmer bodies, and calmer bodies make healthier relationships possible. This creates a hopeful pathway for readers who want deeper connection without losing themselves.


Fourthly, Integrating Mind, Body, and Faith Without Bypassing Pain, Try Softer is notable for integrating psychological insight with spiritual sensitivity while cautioning against bypassing. Kolber recognizes that for some readers, faith communities have been both a comfort and a place where pain was minimized through platitudes or pressure to forgive, serve, or be grateful too quickly. The book encourages an approach to spirituality that makes room for lament, honesty, and the complexity of healing. Rather than treating prayer, gratitude, or service as replacements for emotional work, the message is that spiritual practices can be supportive when paired with self knowledge, therapy informed tools, and embodied care. Kolber’s framework invites readers to honor their stories and to see boundaries, rest, and mental health treatment as compatible with a mature faith. The book also places value on the body as a source of information, emphasizing that spiritual growth does not require ignoring physiological needs or trauma responses. This integrated lens can help readers reconcile internal conflict, especially those who have felt guilty for struggling. By validating both spiritual longing and psychological reality, the book opens space for a more grounded, compassionate faith that supports wholeness. The result is a pathway that respects belief while still prioritizing safety, honesty, and emotional integrity.


Lastly, Practical Pathways Toward Regulation, Joy, and Resilience, Beyond reframing and insight, the book emphasizes practices that help readers move from survival mode into a steadier life. Kolber highlights the importance of developing regulation skills, increasing tolerance for emotion, and building routines that support the body. This can involve noticing triggers, tracking stress patterns, and using grounding or soothing strategies that signal safety. Readers are guided to think in terms of capacity: what helps expand the ability to stay present, connected, and responsive rather than reactive. The book encourages small experiments rather than all or nothing transformations, which helps prevent the shame spiral that often follows failed resolutions. Another practical emphasis is learning to listen to internal cues, including fatigue, anxiety, and numbness, as data rather than defects. Over time, this allows for wiser choices about rest, relationships, work, and self care. Kolber also points toward the role of support systems, including counseling, trusted friends, and healthier community, especially for people whose nervous systems were shaped by chronic stress or trauma. The goal is not constant happiness, but resilience: the ability to return to center more quickly and to live with more openness, play, and relational warmth. By presenting change as compassionate and incremental, the book offers a sustainable approach to joy that feels attainable for real life.